Hi friends!
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so what better topic to talk about than love.
Valentine’s Day is such a polarizing topic. Some people LOVE it. They demand the attention, the chocolates, the roses and the rom com experience.
Other people HATE it. Vehemently. They feel personally attacked that Valentine’s Day exists and majorly inconvenienced that they have to plan around other people’s Valentine’s Day plans. And I don’t just mean paired off people love it and single people hate it. Honestly, it is just polarizing no matter your relationship status.
I personally feel amiable towards Valentine’s Day. It didn’t wrong me. I enjoy an excuse to eat pasta and drink wine. So I’ll take it.
My fun little Valentine’s anecdote takes us back to when Ben and I first met. Our first date was approximately January 30th. Because we lived about 45 minutes from each other, we had about one date a week in the early days. So if you do the math, that meant, our third date was Valentine’s Day.
Even before I was talking to Ben, I told my roommates I was keeping Valentine’s Day open. They were planning to see Fifty Shades of Gray and they gave me trouble when I wouldn’t commit to joining them. I said, you never know what might happen…and lo and behold I met Ben and it’s a good thing I never committed to the movie.
That being said, I want to talk about love. Specifically, unconditional love. Y'all, I got thoughts.
As you should know by now, if you thought I was going to be all lovey-dovey because it’s Valentine’s season, you are indeed wrong. I’m here to tell you about why I don’t seek out “unconditional” love and why I don’t want that out of my relationships. So, here we go!
“Unconditional” Love? No, Thank You.
I am an orderly and regimented person. One might say I LOVE conditions. But that actually has nothing to do with why I don’t believe in unconditional love.
Something as special and precious and vulnerable as love absolutely deserves conditions.
The truth is, in my opinion, something as special and precious and vulnerable as love absolutely deserves conditions. Not only do conditions protect and foster that love, but we as individuals deserve to have standards on what we expect in a relationship. I’m not here to harp on unattainable standards, but I am here to say that standards must exist.
I don’t want to give love to anyone without conditions (romantic relationships or otherwise). I don’t want to be expected to love without conditions. Conditions make the world go round.
I understand how this “unconditional love” business is a nice thought. I understand that “unconditional” is supposed to mean despite your flaws. But in all reality, unconditional literally means that love is endless, despite ANYTHING. NO conditions.
Um...no thank you. I will take all the conditions over none of the conditions.
What Does “Conditional” Love Look Like?
First of all...who's with me?! Am I really the only one who wants conditions?
And second, as with anything, conditional love looks different for every one. In my opinion, it probably looks different even between two people in a relationship. Because every person has different things that they need out of their person. And that is just fine!
Like I said, I don’t think that any two relationships will have the same conditions, but here are some conditions that I need to be happy and feel like my relationship is fulfilling.
Condition #1: Be Loved in the Way You Need
Y’all ever heard of the five love languages? Ben and I have COMPLETE OPPOSITE love languages. Ben likes to be touched and receive gifts. I like someone else to do my chores and tell me I’m pretty.
Here is an actual video of me fishing for a compliment:
Anyway...We obviously clash sometimes. He tries to smother me and I try to destroy his fun with housework. It’s the give and take.
Ultimately, what this condition really comes down to is knowing what you need, asking for it and committing time to work on it. And it means doing the same for your partner. If it has not been clear up to this point, conditions go two ways! You might not have the same conditions, but you better believe if you have conditions you should expect to be subject to them as well.
This year, Ben and I are trying to be more intentional about filling each other’s “love tank”. So I secretly bake him cookies and he fills my car up with gas and we go on our merry way, until one of us feels unloved and then we talk about it. It’s a condition, but it’s pretty reasonable in my book.
Condition #2: Feel Supported (and Provide Support in Return)
Lisa, this sounds like a wedding vow and not a condition. I promise you, it’s a condition. If I was in a relationship where I was going “it” alone, I would dip out immediately. What’s “it”? Well everyone has their own “it”. Duh.
For me and Ben, we are both working adults, so one of my big “its” is keeping everything in our house running. I am not meant to be a housewife. It’s fine if you are. And it’s fine if you’re not. The most important thing is being up front. I have been honest with Ben from the beginning that I am not going to cook and clean and do the laundry and take care of him. He is an adult human person and he can take care of himself. I am not interested in being that person for him or for anyone.
Does this mean I don’t want to support him when life is hard? No. Does it mean that I sit around and make him do all the work? No, it means I almost exclusively cook for both of us and he almost exclusively does our laundry. It means I clean the toilets and he vacuums. It means we both hate the dishes and will have a dishes stalemate. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Condition #3: Foster Each Other’s Passions
Your person should keep your fire alive, not extinguish your flame. Your person should care about the things you love and you should care about the things they love. Your person should also politely tell you when you have become a bit obsessive and help you reign it in.
Your person should help you find new passions and become a better version of yourself.
Plus, your person should help you find new passions and become a better version of yourself. One of the greatest joys of love is having someone to experience exciting things with. Someone who will travel across the world with you, eat new things with you, do something crazy and spontaneous with you. I consider the fostering of passions and the igniting of new passions to both be essential. Sounds like a condition to me!
Condition #4: Communicate
This is big for me. I expect to be with someone who can communicate about their feelings and is open to communication in return. I’m not blind to think that communication is always perfect and requires no work or intentionality. Communication can be really hard, it can fall through the cracks when life has its moments. It can (and does) break down. And sometimes it just comes out plain wrong. But the condition is the trying. Trying to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully.
Conditions, Conditions, Conditions...
So…those are some of my conditions. And I think they’re pretty reasonable. They're good. I think you should give them a try. But I can also hear the naysayers now…"when one of these so-called “conditions” is broken, she probably just drops people like that."
Well I have one thing to say to you naysayers - nay. I’m not in the business of just dropping people on a whim with no explanations. I am in the business of clarifying my expectations, discussing what should happen next and then mutually recommitting to a plan. Remember, one of my conditions is communication, so I typically don’t just go rogue and make a bunch of willy nilly solo decisions! So, take that, naysayers!
Loving another person doesn't mean leaving yourself behind. And conditions help to make sure you're putting yourself and your relationship first.
Is It Really That Odd to Have Conditions?
Personally, I don’t think it is. Some people may just say that it’s all about finding the right person, and when you do then love becomes “unconditional”. But I really believe that with any person, even the perfect person, there should always be conditions. Loving another person doesn’t mean leaving yourself behind. And conditions help to make sure you’re putting yourself and your relationship first. And (in my opinion) that’s some good shit.
Cheers,
Lisa
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