Hi everyone -
It’s been a long while since my last blog. I’ve decided that the less frequently I blog the harder it is. Especially because after a long time, it feels like I need to have a really good topic. Or a hot take. Or something profound to say.
So I’ve spent the last few months trying to start again. Trying to think of something worthy of a comeback. Falling flat.
Since then, I’ve decided the best comeback is simply coming back and blogging again. And why not do it with a just for fun blog. So here we have it.
I traveled a few weeks ago and I had to get a rental car.
Despite what I felt like was an extremely efficient exit from the plane, I still ended up at the very back of the rental car line.
Slowly, I watched cars get taken in front of me. Honda civic, gone. Toyota Corolla, claimed. Hyundai Elantra, spoken for. And as an avid hater of driving, the anxiety swelled inside me. Driving somewhere unknown with a car I know is bad enough. Driving somewhere unknown with a car that is unknown? Simply unbearable.
Was I internally overreacting? I most certainly was not. Because when I got to the front of the line they said, would you like a truck or a minivan?
No. My answer was simply no, I do not. Turns out it wasn’t really a yes or no question, more of an either or. But I stuck with my guns and eventually was offered a Nissan Rogue. It’s a little bigger than a Camry…but it would have to do.
We ran into a few issues. Like me not knowing how to start the car, or unlock the car, or put it into reverse. But hey, who wouldn’t have these issues?
Once I overcame those obstacles, all was well. That is until I ended up in the middle of construction, sandwiched between two trucks, in a big car that I could barely maneuver.
So…this blog is about six times I didn’t fit. Starting with that construction site driving debacle.
1. Driving Through Construction
Am I the only person who physically tries to shrink my body when I’m driving in a tight space?
Well if I am, I’m here to tell you it absolutely works. It is scientific. Foolproof. Magic.
So back to my driving situation. I’m feeling good, jamming out, going from one highway to the next and all of sudden I’m in the construction.
I start in the rightmost lane where the shoulder is closed and I’m sure I’m about to scrape right into that wall. So I decide my best option is to move over one lane to the left. Wrong.
Now I end up in the middle of construction, sandwiched between two trucks, one of which is trying to not scrape against the temporary wall, in a car that’s just too big.
I simply did not fit, but my only option was to continue existing and figure out how to fit in a space I didn’t belong. It’s like when a toddler tries to put the triangle piece into the round hole. It’s not supposed to work.
So I just scrunched my body in tighter, gripped the wheel, and magically shrunk down in size. This went on for about 10 more minutes. 10 very long minutes.
Somehow I made it completely in tact. A true miracle.
2. Every Time I’ve Been to an Antique Shop
Have you ever been to an antique mall and realized just how large you are? I have. In fact, this is the experience I live every time I’m antiquing. And it stings particularly hard in winter, when my layers make me feel I am on the monster on the hill.
But I am here to tell you, that it’s not you. It’s them. The antiques. The antiquers. Etc.
There is no good reason that we need to put fragile things so close together. We do not need to put fragile things precariously mounted on other fragile things. We don’t need to wax the floors and put slippery rugs all around antiques. The aisles don’t need to be built for elves, they could be designed for people.
But I suppose half the thrill of antiquing is wondering if you’ll accidentally break something and go home with a now-destroyed heirloom that you never wanted.
Just picture it. Me in a puffy winter coat and slippery boots in the middle of an Iowa winter. I do the “driving scrunch” (as previously mentioned), but this time it’s actually slightly effective. I clutch my purse to my body, hoping it doesn’t get hooked on something and take the whole display down. I shimmy between rows of items, trying to simply mind my own business and browse through an extensive selection of wicker baskets. Then, when I least expect it, I breathe with too much vigor and the entire place collapses around me.
It’s all about that thrill.
3. When I Went to Try on My Wedding Dress
Yep, you read that correctly. When I went to try on my wedding dress, it didn’t fit. And not like, a little bit didn’t fit. Like, didn’t zip up at all.
Another one of those monster on the hill moments. But I will have you know, it was completely on them. They had a mix up and used all the wrong sizes. So ha. Jokes on them I suppose.
Luckily, I had a two year engagement so there was plenty of time to fix this mistake. It did indeed fit on my wedding day.
But I am slightly traumatized by the experience.
4. That One Themed Frat Party
One time in college I went to a Hawaiian themed frat party (emphasis on one time). It was one of those invite-only parties. To this day, I’m shocked I got an invite. And let me tell you, I didn’t fit.
You know how there are some girls who like to dress sexy for Halloween? I am not one of them. I am one of those girls who usually dresses like some variation of an old man for costume parties. For example:
Yoda
Benjamin Franklin
The Pillsbury Dough Boy
Santa Claus
The Cowardly Lion
So just imagine me, at the island themed party. I went against my instinct and didn’t dress as an old man. But I also just didn’t get the right vibe.
Honestly, not mad to not be invited back. It was an outdoor island themed party in winter…no thanks.
5. On the Couch with Beans
My couch is large. It’s excessively large. We are two people and two dogs (one of which is not allowed on the couch) and we have a sectional that seats 10.
Who doesn’t like to spread out?
Beans. Beans is who doesn’t like to spread out. Despite this obscenely large couch, the only spot Beans can lay is the spot I am already laying. If it’s up to him, there will be no contact with the couch. I will be the protective layer between him and the scary couch.
There have been countless occasions where Beans has simply lost all abilities to hold himself up, and collapses into me as if I am a foam pit and he is a child carelessly jumping off a trampoline. Except I am not made of foam, I am made of person.
Despite completely not fitting in those moments, I fall victim to the fate of all dog parents: If the dog is cozy, you cannot move.
Please enjoy this extensive compilation of me trapped under Beans, petting him as he slowly squeezes the life out of me.
6. When I Brought a Large Tote Bag to a Crowded Bar
You know how sometimes you’re traveling and you try to be prepared so you bring a really big bag and pack it full of water and snacks and layers and hand sanitizer and then somehow you end up at a crowded bar at 1 am on the dance floor with said bag?
This happened rather recently and I felt like I needed a light up sign that said wide load. This was peak me not fitting. I tried to be fun and social and dance, but I was also taking up the entire dance floor just trying to exist.
The kids on the dance floor were like, who is this woman who brings large citrus-themed bags out with her?
Do I regret it? Absolutely not. Because is there a place where you need water and snacks and layers and hand sanitizer more than a bar at 1 am? There is not.
How Fitting
As someone whose base state is feeling awkward, this all tracks for me. Not fitting is perfectly fitting. I’ve learned to embrace it. And then overthink it for years to come. And then make jokes about it to hide the anxiety I still feel inside. It’s healthy.
Hope this comeback was good enough. I’ll be back some other time with something profound to say.
Cheers,
Lisa
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