Friends - back in early 2018 when I decided to start blogging the first time, this is what I wrote. Disclaimer: Some of the info from part 2 is no longer accurate, but it was accurate back then. Enjoy!
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I don’t know about you, but I sure can’t believe January (2018) is already almost over. When I started working on this blog I was perfectly punctual. I had a catchy intro about new year’s resolutions and how 2018 was fast approaching. Well life happened and here we are. Fast forward to now and I’m still working on the same resolution I set my sights on a month ago – blogging. Honestly, I love to write but I’m not the type to just write for myself, so this year I’ve resolved to write more and share it. After going back and forth on blog topics and not quite settling on anything in particular, I figured no better time than now to jump in. So, I’ve decided what better way to start blogging than to reflect on the two most important lessons I learned in 2017. Here goes.
1. LOTS OF PEOPLE WANT MORE FRIENDS
This one seems to be taboo for twenty-somethings to admit, so I’m going to! Remember college? When you had a ton of friends and plans every night and you didn’t want anything more. Yea, those days are gone. At least for me. College ended and real life started and lots of my closest friends moved away.
Don’t get me wrong – I have some great friends who I hang out with frequently but it seems that being an adult also means being busy and tired and not always wanting to make plans. Unfortunately, my schedule doesn’t always line up with my friends’ and sometimes that leaves me lacking human interaction for days at a time. And one thing I’ve learned this year? I’m not the only one!
If you’re post-college and feeling like all of a sudden you’re not the socialite you used to be, chances are you’re not alone either. I totally understand why people don’t want to talk about it. We’re young and we should be living it up and going to happy hour and eating brunch a lot, but finding the perfect brunch pal can be tough.
I’m not claiming to know all the answers, but I think I’ve learned at least a few things.
If you can admit to yourself that you’re open to expanding your social circle you’ll probably realize there are lots of potential friends you already know and interact with on a regular basis. You’ve just got to make the friend move!
Wanting more friends does not mean you have to lower your friend standards. Just get creative, act bold occasionally, and be a nice, decent person.
If you’re willing to at least be sort of open about your pursuit of friendship you’ll most likely find other people who are looking for the same thing. You’ll also probably find that you get along with people you might not have expected to or people who are at very different places in life than you. That’s awesome news for you!
Making new friends doesn’t have to mean going out of your comfort zone. Some people are into that and okay with signing up for a cooking class solo and befriending strangers. I’m not one of those people. I prefer a different approach – I call it the “goal friend approach”. What’s a goal friend you ask? A goal friend is someone that you meet in your regular life, think they’re really cool, and decide you want to be their friend. Chances are, you’ve had a goal friend, you just didn’t call them that. My advice? Maybe don’t walk up to your goal friend and tell them they’re your goal friend – that can be kind of weird and overbearing. But the idea behind the goal friend approach is determining people who you think you’d get along with, making an effort to get to know them better, and setting up intentional plans (outside of your regular life encounters). Speaking from personal experience, the goal friend approach works because you tend to have a good idea of who you’ll get along with. And you might just become close enough friends that after a few glasses of wine you admit to them they were your goal friend 2 years ago.
If you’re looking for more insights on making friends as an adult (female friendships in particular), I’ve got just the book for you. Chances are if you’ve talked to me in the past 6 months I’ve mentioned the book MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search For A New Best Friend by Rachel Bertsche. She decides to go on 52 girl dates (one per week for a year) in search of her best friend, and she learns a lot along the way. I’m a big fan, and if you "goal friend" me I’ll even let you borrow my copy!
2. BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE
This is an important lesson and one that everyone learns at their own pace, at the right time. Being your own advocate can apply to a lot of unique situations, but I’m going to touch on mine. For me, 2017 was a year of learning to advocate for my health. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with a chronic immune condition called Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EoE). EoE manifests itself differently in all people – for me it’s a disease caused by my allergies that makes it hard for me to swallow, gives me the frequent feeling of a lump in my throat, and sometimes causes pain in my esophagus and chest.
EoE is a relatively newly discovered disease and prior to the last few decades someone with my symptoms would likely be diagnosed with acid reflux and put on medicine to control their GERD. I’m thankful that advances have been made and we now know more about EoE, but like any new discovery, understanding takes time. There are lots of doctors who do not know how to properly treat EoE. And it’s not all their fault because there are no FDA approved medications. Because we’re still trying to understand and treat, managing my EoE has been a learning process, and one that has taught me to stand up for myself.
The truth is, yes, doctors go to school and learn to treat patients, but they are not in your body. Doctors probably know more about diagnosis than you, but you understand your symptoms and you understand how your body reacts to new medicines, diet changes, and procedures. And a good doctor should listen. If a doctor does not listen to you, find a new one. If a doctor does not follow up when they say they will, find a new one. If a doctor suggests something that you have hesitations about, tell them, and if they don’t care, find a new one. If a doctor does not take the time to at least consider what you feel is the right next step for your health, find a new one. And keep looking until you find one who will.
Guess what? Finding a new doctor is kind of awful. It’s time consuming, it’s costly, and sometimes they’re worse than the previous doctor, and you just have to keep looking. But it’s up to you to advocate for your health – or for that career change, or that move across the country, or whatever it is you need to do for yourself. Most of the time people are well intentioned, but no one can speak up for you quite the way you can.
Disclaimer: I’m not saying it’s okay to be a jerk to people to get what you want. It’s not. But it is okay to think about yourself and make decisions for yourself. In fact, it’s more than just okay – it’s necessary.
HOW DO THESE LESSONS RELATE?
So there we have it. Two very different insights learned from my first full year of post-college adulthood. Yet these two realizations have striking resemblances. When it comes down to it, for me 2017 was a year of learning to embrace life’s challenges and speak up about them.
Whether it is health-related advocacy or friendship pursuit, 2017 taught me that being vocal can bring a lot of clarity and happiness to life. It’s easy when faced with a challenge, to sulk, feel disappointed and not do anything. From my experience, it can be a lot more difficult to actually do something to improve your situation, but I promise it’s almost always worth it.
Here’s to a 2018 full of new friends, good health, and many more lessons learned.
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