Hi friends -
It is SO cold out! I’m talking arctic. I don’t often question why I (or any sane human) would live in Iowa, but those doubts creep in during winter.
I’ve been dealing with the cold by simply not going anywhere. I’m not just talking about avoiding unnecessary errands, I truly have not ventured out further than my mailbox (which is attached to my house) in several days.
I’m, like, sort of proud of myself but also equally embarrassed at how easy it has been to not go anywhere.
Thanks, Covid.
But seriously, I didn’t come here to talk to you today about the cold. (Though we all know I could indeed write an entire blog complaining about it.)
I’m actually here to talk to you about Covid anxiety. Because it is real, and my realization about how easy it has been to stay inside is the ultimate manifestation of my Covid anxiety.
Covid Anxiety Comes in Many Shapes & Sizes
Lots of people have experienced Covid anxiety at some point during the last year. And everyone’s got their own worries and anxieties about Covid, as I’m sure you all know!
My particular brand of Covid anxiety is my anxiety towards leaving the house. This has always been a bit of a thing. I often chalked it up to being lazy and the convenience of staying at home.
Before this past year, it’s not that I never left my home or interacted with others, it’s just that the particulars of the interaction were more limiting / time consuming than I’d like. And more limiting / time consuming than I presume they are for others.
Even before Covid, for my anxious mind, there were so many considerations to every plan!
Is it going to be snowing or raining or producing any type of weather that will make my transportation less than ideal? Is it fine now but there’s approximately an 11% chance it’s going to snow and I could get stuck? Maybe I should just stay home?
Also is there going to be a lot of traffic or a freak accident on the highway? Wow, wow, maybe I should just stay home!
Do I need to come with offerings for my host? I don’t have offerings. Now I need to stop at the store to avoid showing up empty handed. But it’s so cold and it’s the post-work rush, maybe I just won’t.
Do I need to be presentable looking? How am I going to pull myself together for another human being in only 24 minutes before our plans begin?
Are we going somewhere far? That just sounds like it’s going to take a long time and we might not even be there very long...is it worth it?
You want to go WHERE for dinner?! That place always has an hour wait and I’m hungry like NOW.
Y’all, these are just a few of my potential worries. They go on and on and branch off in every which way depending on the situation!
Wait, you had those concerns pre-Covid?
Yes! So as I’m sure you can imagine, things got even more wild during Covid!
First of all, when everything started shutting down, Ben was still going into work. So it simply did not make sense for me to go out and do shopping, etc. when he was already being exposed to the world.
Strike one for me being a person who leaves the house.
Then, when things started to be a little more open in spring & summer and I was occasionally interacting with people, instead of simply thinking about the weather and my outfit, I had to consider things like:
Is this person taking adequate Covid precautions within my comfort zone? Will I offend them if I think they are not? Will I offend them if they think I am not? Should I just never see anyone again? Maybe…
Is the weather going to allow for an outdoor hangout? Will it be miserable and cold? Will I wish I was inside my home alone? Should I pack blankets? Will that seem like overkill?
Is the place we are going taking necessary precautions? Will it be too crowded? Will it start out empty and then become crowded after I’m trapped and waiting to pay my bill?
Will I end up standing uncomfortably close to someone else?
Needless to say, it was so much easier to offer to be the host than to suggest going somewhere else.
Strike two for leaving the house.
Then...winter arrived. ‘Nough said, right?
And like the wise bears of the world, I went into hibernation. I tucked myself away within my home and under several blankets.
And y’all, that was strike three for me leaving the house.
So, it was a steady decline downhill for me over the last year.
Plus, Anxiety Fuels Itself
My current Covid anxiety of going out into the world is like an endless cycle. When I did go out in the world, I was consistently overcoming my anxiety. And usually, venturing out had rewards. It sometimes felt hard to get myself going, but I was almost always thankful when I did. I had fun, I calmed down, etc.
Recently, none of that feels true. The longer I stay at home, the more distant the rewards feel and the harder it is to overcome the comfort of just not going anywhere. It sometimes feels debilitatingly difficult to get myself to even go to the grocery store.
But I also feel simultaneously anxious about the idea of being stuck at home. It’s not like it’s pleasant and I’m satisfied with this reality of being an at-home lady. I’m just in a constant state of, “I wish I wasn’t here but also I don’t know how to make myself leave”.
And while I saw myself passively slipping into this, it all became very obvious when the storm hit and I simply didn’t go anywhere. And it didn’t feel any different.
So here we are!
Taking Baby Steps Into the World
Thanks to this cold weather wake up call (take note, as I will never thank winter again for anything), I’ve recognized that I am no longer within my normal range of “going into the world” anxiety and that I’ve even surpassed my acceptable Covid range. So I’m working on easing myself back into, ya know, leaving my home. And I’m obviously complaining about the weather as I do it!
In case this is helpful to anyone, here is what I’m doing to reintegrate into the outside world!
Be More Independent
It was very easy to avoid going outside when I could ask Ben to run a quick errand for me on his way home. Let’s be real, I will never fully get rid of this habit (convenience, am I right?!) but I am taking steps to plan errands and small outings into my own day.
Tag Along More
This might seem fully contradictory to my tip above, but I am pushing myself to tag along with Ben when he goes out for his errands.
It feels much less threatening to hit up the busy hardware store with a buddy, and it’s also getting me out and into the habit of not being a hermit lady.
Drive More When We Go Out
Again, this might seem so silly, but even when Ben and I go out together, I’m usually the passenger! Encouraging myself to be the driver forces my mindset to shift from, “I am passively along for the ride” (literally) to “I am out in the world and in the driver’s seat” (literally!). Wow, wow, what a perfect analogy, y’all!
But I Will Still Not Drive in the Snow
That’s just not happening. And I have absolutely no shame.
How Things Are Going
Well, I have definitely been stressed out and sweaty a few times. I forgot how awkward it was to go pick up takeout at a place where there is no signage and no one acknowledges your presence.
But I also felt like I had overcome a hurdle, so sign me up for more poorly labeled food pick-up experiences!
Other than that, I will keep you all posted. I’m sure you can’t wait to hear me recount normal, everyday experiences that lots of people have without stress! But then again, some people don’t get stressed out ordering at Chipotle & I will never understand that. Even if you get the same thing every time, it’s always stressful!
Covid Anxiety?! Tell Me About It!
Literally! Tell me about it - I totally get it. And I’d love to exchange stories about our various Covid anxieties. Don’t even get me started on when someone coughs within 17 feet of me!
Cheers,
Lisa
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